The effect of extreme depression on your university work and other fun things.

Yeah I’m depressed. I’m on meds, so what? Not to big myself up or anything, but I think it’s because I’m to intelligent for this world. I see so much shit going on around me, so many problems, and most people are oblivious to it, or even promote it. Maybe my problems aren’t as bad as Jane Doe over there, but they are mine, and they are affecting me badly.

This is, or at least should be a reason to make work right? The whole point of a fine artist in today’s world. Thing is, it actually makes me want to hide in my duvet fort and never see the light of day. I used to spend all my free time drawing, painting, enjoying art, but now the thought of putting ink to paper scares me. It has become a thing to be harshly judged, and criticized. No longer do I feel the joy of creating images, its replaced with this anxiety to make some kind of political, emotional, personal statement of extreme greatness.

I’m scared to make work.

My whole life has been a failure. Maybe you think that’s an overstatement, but to me it’s truth. Never very good at maths, English/Welsh. Poor at science… Never coping well in exams. Being bullied in every school I went to. Stupid things. I had a dalmatian fur ~(fake)~ coat in primary school. The kids pushed me over and called me horrible names. I was never happy with my drawings, and one day a boy complimented my drawing of a bird, i said I wasn’t happy with its wing, he retaliated by calling me horrible names, and scribbling a large black mass over my drawing. Then came secondary school and things got worse. I got ill, chronic fatigue syndrome. I got depressed. I refused to go to school, I was scared of it. Scared of being judged, pushed around, and bullied, by not only my classmates, but by my teachers. One example being “It’s your own fault for being a weirdo goth”.

I remember when I got the acceptance letter for college at the age of 15, to study art. I was so happy. I was escaping from that horrible place, and I had a goal, a plan. I made good friends there, but after 6 months I left. Why? Art wasn’t fun anymore.

Since then I’ve jumped from course to course, art courses, hairdressing…etc. I never felt I belonged. I got into a serious relationship. I got abused. After escaping I found myself back in art, back at college doing my foundation year, and it was the best year of my life. I’ve finished my first year of BA, but a month into my second year I want out again. Among other things, like feeling incredibly alone, friendless, and just a fool to make fun of when my back is turned, Art isn’t fun anymore. 

So keeping in mind my past, my belief that I have done nothing but failed, and lack of enthusiasm for “art”, I give you my most recent development on my studio practice 20 credit module. A big fat steaming pile of conceptual bullshit, that has no real artistic skill behind it, but of course if you have talent, you aren’t welcome in the “art” world.

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I guess I just can’t be me if I want to continue this BA and not fail something for once in my pathetic life. 

Illness

I’ve been very unwell for over a week (nearly two weeks). Started off with a stomach pain, but has since turned into flu. I thought I was getting better last weekend, and boy was I wrong. Spent the past few days in bed, or on the sofa having trouble breathing, feeling like I’ve been for a few rounds with an MMA fighter, and a seriously nasty migraine.

Just had a massive coughing fit that’s left me light headed and in a lot of pain in my chest. You get the idea.

Uninspired

I’ve been feeling very low the past couple of weeks and it’s put me in a spiral leading to lack of inspiration. I’ve tried hard to keep drawing but sadly nothing’s coming to me. I start back in uni on the 23rd and I hope my creativity returns. There have been a lot of personal issues recently and sadly they don’t seem to have a light at the end of the tunnel (yet).